Where do I start with this?
I will try to make myself write something about my understanding of my own mind, as I find it drifting back and forth, dragging itself into different perspectives at all times. I can see crazy visual images, energies dancing on top of people’s heads, gargoyles entering with me into a room, placing itself to watch my movements, keeping my every movement under control. I see deep light inside myself, guarded by warriors and beasts fighting each other, not letting me touch this ball of light. I block myself from feeling my emotions, I cant see my path of life, I cant enter my thoughts. I strive to understand what I need to pursue in my life, but my mind is in constant battle to understand itself. My principles are contradicting itself, I’m in a position where my body hurts, it cant heal, the battle is constant. The battles that are being fought in my unconscious, they are heavy. Demons creep up on me, trying to drag me into the abyss. All my failures in life keeps recurring, everyone I did harm to are replaying themselves into me. They wont let me be, and they make me try to figure out how to be a better person at all times. But even still, nothing I do seems to fix my past recurring, repeating itself into my brain in different scenarios. All the help I have been looking for seems to be for no reason. What really is the knowledge we attain, and how does it really change ourselves into better beings? I’ve come to the conclusion that my mind is trying to fix itself, by searching for information to change my perspective on the world, the complex way of living, the way humans have created their ideas of living in this world. I suffer to understand what my purpose is, and I suffer in trying to understand what the rest of the world is trying to understand about themselves, it self. The information available makes the mind in a constant process of searching for truth. What really is the truth we are looking for? Is it Gilgamesh, the constant search for eternal life? Is it spacetravel, or money? How many times have history repeated itself, through millennia, or eons? What are humans? Are we nothing but a genetical manipulation, are we purely biological creatures invented by itself through random selection, just like fish, or dogs? Who, or what, created us? Is everything random, or is life artificially created? What is it that we are doing this for? The love we feel when we see our next generation thriving, the hate we feel when someone destroys our values, only to make us realize they were wrong about themselves, at the same time we were wrong to believe something at all? So we recreate ourselves, to find new meaning and values, to start over, try again. New ideas keeps us moving, and keeps us searching for new truths about ourselves. Someone said they found truth. But they only speak about their truth, they say they don’t live in ignorance anymore. What truth did they really find? Whomever said they found truth, must have been a liar. The ultimate truth to be found, is nowhere to be seen. Everything written, or seen, or spoken, is nothing but observations of the mind, restricted to our own understanding of the world. We try to flourish our minds with thoughts that create a feeling of fulfillment. We haste away, only to see ourselves dying, and our next ones continue our work of life. What has society become, and what time are we really living in? Great technological progress, miracles happening all the time. Life as we know it in this universe, a miracle to be seen every day. Just to breathe, to live. Positive emotions creating smiles, helpful hands wanting to create better and rebuild our past destruction. Genius minds have constructed understanding for everyone, going out in the world to learn about life, to understand life, passing on their knowledge to us. Computer science, mathematical geniuses, spiritual healers, advanced technology creating a new intelligence. Constructing impressive monuments, building shelter for everyone, helping each other through life. Finding love and connectivity. How isn’t this enough to be happy with oneself, why do we keep contradicting our own mind, and each other? Are we on the verge of self-destruction? What is the inner drive inside us, despite our suffering, which keeps us moving, keeps us wanting to live and recreate? My problems seem unsolved. I seek out to people who found meaning, in solitude, or in communities. How can we recreate our communities into something that is producing understanding and meaning? How can we use digital connectivity to create meaningful interactions with each other? I seek to find.
What is it that we want? 